Christians are straight up FREAKS
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You took a bar mat shot.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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