Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
