Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
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I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
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She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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