I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
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she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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