I can tuck mytits in my pants
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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