im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
