the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
