birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
