I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
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