Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
