he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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