Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
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I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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