Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
