so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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