i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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