the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
