You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
