textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
