pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I cockslap morals
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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