Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
