you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
