i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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