you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
