the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
