don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
