Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
my poor anus
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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