Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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