now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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