I could make wine with my vomit
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
