I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
