i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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