forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
