it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
