just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
They are going to name an STD after you.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
