I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
