I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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