I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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