life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
