in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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