Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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