You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
