I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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