The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
