you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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