Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
