I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
accomplished twins. life is a go
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
The struggles of a small town man whore
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
