Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
