I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
