I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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