Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
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If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
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Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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