why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Randomize
