I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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