Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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