Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
